“A man among boys.” -Amy Poehler on Inside the Actor’s Studio when asked to describe her husband, Will Arnett
It’s become a common refrain to hear about women and bad boy syndrome. Frankly, the concept of women and “bad boys” has become institutionalized … “Nice guys finish last.” Women like a “bad boy.” For me, personally, I like a man, I don’t care for boys, bad or otherwise. As is quite typical of me, I was thinking on this topic the other day and how it affects relationships between men and women. Unfortunately, I think society doesn’t give us many options on separating the wheat from the chaff.
If you think on it, back when we were an agrarian society, the very nature of living separated the strong from the weak. A man’s ability to survive in a land that was still fairly wild proved his worth as a provider. These were the “alphas.” The men that all the women wanted. Simply by being successful within the constraints of society they proved they were intelligent, resourceful, strong, determined and able to persevere. Ladies, quick … think fast … name five men in your life that you can attribute all those qualities to right now.
How many of you were able to do that? Me … I’ve got a solid one and a maybe two others. Everyone else might have one or two, but not the total package. Our society today is set up to breed softness. We sit at desks, type into computers and rarely do any physical work.
It is my personal opinion that this concept of the “bad boy” is really just our female biology at work. We are searching for those “alphas” that our current society obscures. Because they are obscured, we are responding to physicality rather than fortitude and strength. Generalizing widely, most of these so-called “bad boys” tend to be large, well-built, physically imposing and involved in some way shape or form in something quite rough … construction, criminal behavior, the military, etc.
I respond quite viscerally to men in uniform. A sexy man in uniform will have me wet in two seconds flat. Why? Because these are our warriors. That’s why. Does that make them true alphas … no … but I know they can kick ass. Biology. Superficially, they fulfill one essential criteria: protector.
The problem is that women are succumbing to this misplaced biology because we no longer have our rituals and societal constructs to illuminate our natural alphas. The reality is that “alpha” is a state of mind, not a physical description. I always come back to dog pack dynamics when I think of dominance. I remember reading about Cesar Milan and his pack of dogs. This pack includes numerous Pitbulls and other bully breeds. Breeds not known for submitting easily. Cesar is the ultimate leader of that pack and let me tell you, he can have his way with me three ways to Sunday anytime.
Cesar is not large or imposing. He never raises his voice, but it’s his will, his essence … he is a true alpha. Within the pack itself, a French Bulldog is the canine alpha (she’s also female by the way). Again. It’s a state of mind, but there is no way to see this state of mind with any real clarity in our society at large. You’re very lucky if you find a real man. Maybe it would have been better if we’d never given up our rituals.
I watched a movie when I was young titled A Man Called Horse. In this movie, a white man is taken in by a tribe of Sioux. He starts out a slave and progresses through all of their various rituals for becoming a warrior and man of the tribe. By the time they are done, there is no doubt that any man that made it through such rituals had gonads to spare as well as intellect and the ability to provide. Any one of them could have shared my teepee for sure.
Speaking of society in general, how do we distinguish our alphas? Where are our rituals? Typing speed? The wittiest tweet? Most friends on Facebook? Best time to knock out in Fight Night? Cock length? The most money?
Let me tell you something, Bill Gates could be the only man available and he ain’t getting in these knickers and a 9” dick means nothing to me if you’re willing to leave someone to suffer when you could help. So, I say again, where are our rituals, our inherent means of assessment to say this is a real man?
Now, let’s get a little bit more specific and look at BDSM. I was going to write a post that I’ve just never gotten around to called “Tops, Doms and Masters Oh My” because they seem to abound, but the honorifics have no meaning whatsoever. I spent some time on Fetlife and the sum of my experience was pretty much …
- Submit to me because I’ve said I’m a Dom. Why? Because I say so.
- Let me send you some cock shots and I’m sure you’re going to be so overcome by my dick that you’ll forget everything you just said and submit to me. Why? Because I say so.
- I just said I’m a Dom. Didn’t you hear me? Why? Because I say so. Meanwhile, I can’t remember what I just told you and just contradicted myself.
- I’m a Gorean Master and believe in a fictional world detailed by a set of fantasy novels and I want you to be my slave. Why? Because I say so.
Are we seeing a trend yet? I also met some very nice people on Fetlife, but I had to shut it down. I couldn’t take the phony bullshit. To my way of thinking a Top, Dom or Master is defined as much by their compassion and empathy as they are by their willingness to spank your ass or fuck you roughly. In fact, Cruel Intentions said it best on his Valentine’s post comments
“As many girls unfortunately have learned the hard way. Anyone that wants to meet you for the first time and have you submit an hour later is someone who isn’t willing to learn about you and your needs.
Any jerk can slap you around then fuck you and call it BDSM. Only someone who understands their own emotions and yours can slap you around, fuck you and then have you thank them for making you cry.”
So, even in BDSM, women are faced with the fact that there is no surefire way of separating the wheat from the chaff. So where does this leave women who are searching for the right man in their life whether as a partner or a Top/Dom/Master? Well, unfortunately it leaves you thinking long and hard about the qualities you want in a man first, then a Top/Dom/Master and most importantly it leaves you thinking about the type of woman you want to be.